Sometimes, I think about you and it gives me anxiety… Right now would be a perfect example, as I’m doing my homework and the thought of you comes creeping in.
Suddenly I feel this prickly feeling in the bottom of my stomach, not butterflies but spiders maybe or centipedes with millions of tiny legs puncturing its tissues… Which in turn shortens my breath because I don’t know why these insects are at the bottom of my stomach or why my mind wondered to you half way in my essay about social problems in another country.
However it did…. the best thing I can do is write about it in hopes of word vomiting these nasty insects and going on with my task at hand.
My mind went places it shouldn’t go… like wondering what you are doing and who are you sleeping next to. It’s none of my business, and why does it hurt when I think about it, it shouldn’t hurt I said all I had to say, I got all my answers! Why does the idea of someone replacing me hurt… I’m supposed to be over you, and even if I wasn’t as someone who loves you I should want the best for you especially if you found a new person to love right….
Confession, These insects still tell me I want it to be me me me me MEEEEEE!!!.
I have to take a 15minute break anyway, so I go downstairs and make some food for myself to sustain me through the completion all these overdue assignments…
As I make ramen, “my style” you creep up again especially as I fry the eggs to mix in it and I remember that night I made food for you when you came home drunk and before I started making it you demanded “Please do not make the scrambled eggs so small like you did last night” and I scoffed and giggled because even though you were very much intoxicated you remembered to put in that request oh a ketchup! can’t forget the ketchup! haha. Which I never seen ketchup on eggs before but some people just love ketchup!!!
I get mad at myself for thinking about you again… If anyone should get a restraining order on someone for not being able to live a normal life after our encounter it should be me, but I know this is the last thing you want for me.
Just like it’s the last thing I want for you even though it doesn’t seem like it, everywhere you turn is a shadow, phantom, ghost of a happy life that could’ve been one with love. Thats what this the ghost of us haunting me.
It’s like a car accident, brief but unforgettable…
Running away from ghosts, from hauntings, things that I can’t seem to shake, has never been an option for me. In my culture we make peace with our demons, even on the days that suck, even on the days that I need to be getting work done but I’m here acknowledging them.
Demons want to be acknowledged and once you acknowledge them and become indifferent to the discomfort, they go away…
Just like my anxiety disappeared as I addressed this particular haunting, now I can get back to work.
The thoughts the memories are still there, but the insects are not and thats’ the most important part… I guess the rest goes away with time..? how much time I don’t know. That’s up to the universe really…