OxyMORON

I used to be entitled, maybe I still am…

It wasn’t on purpose I swear! but then again maybe it isn’t on purpose for most people. Nobody ever told me their next level problems, and stories so I assumed they didn’t have any, because I was an open book and overshared so I thought everyone was the same.

Therefore If they didn’t talk about it, they didn’t have it. Btw this is extremely embarrassing to admit now that I know better. Suddenly I found myself thinking “oh that’s why ____ resented the shit out of me.” because for most people, this kind of ignorance comes off as “wow she’s so narcissistic to the point she thinks her problems are more important then everyone’s” .

However, in my ignorance I honestly wasn’t aware that people had demons just like me, I honestly believed everyone who didn’t say anything had it together, and people who never expressed negative emotions were always happy.

It’s a delusional way to live, maybe childish, because children just think everyone is telling the truth and see everything at face value, and that’s how I lived if you don’t show it you don’t feel it, if you don’t talk about it then it doesn’t exist.

Then as friendships, and relationships fizzled I finally realized, just because someone says they’re “good, listening, honest, compassionate” doesn’t mean they actually ARE. Which was really earth shattering for me as a person who genuinely believed people always told the truth and meant what they said. It sucked.

People lie, people aren’t wishing the best for you all the time, they don’t have the best intentions and most importantly even though they say they are listening odds are they are absolutely not.

As a writer, poet and lover of books and words, they mean everything to me. Yet, I keep discovering I live in a world words are pretty much meaningless. People just talk and talk and talk and say nothing.

So to avoid entitlement, I learned another language, body language.

The interesting thing about body language it’s one of the hardest languages to lie in. Like for example when you say

“I don’t, want to be with you but you, kiss me and pull me close against your heart and hold me as much as you can.”

“or when someone says I care about you as a person above anything but constantly pressures you to have intercourse with them”

my favorite “when a person says I’m listening, but the second you stop speaking they tell you, you are wrong disregarding everything you ever said”

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