Little Fears

12/13/17

Hey babe,

There are something you don’t know, actually a lot of things you don’t know about me… although you know more than most, there is still a lot you don’t know even though we spent every waking minute of the past two weeks together.

Honestly it probably was the best two weeks of my life… From you stealing a kiss down that fire escape, meeting my parents, and drinking cheep wine and teaching me chess on Friday instead of your usual shenanigans.

Thank you for giving me those two weeks of your life, putting aside your regular routine for me.

 

08/25/2018

I haven’t seen you in months nevertheless spoke to you, although I call you almost everyday and you never pick up.

Except for a few days ago, to my surprise you weren’t angry or told me to fuck off which is what I would expect when you finally answer the person who won’t leave you alone.

The sound of your voice was probably would feel like you could say anything and it would still feel like the ultimate high. Mind control I’ll do anything AND EVERYTHING you ask me, you know that too.

When you’re giving the pain I don’t care if it’s hurting me.

Maybe I’m smarter than I look, maybe I’m more calculative then I look, yeah I suck at chess but maybe just maybe I don’t suck that much at life.

What if I knew all along, about my terrible addiction to you, and the best way to make you run is calling you everyday. What if I’m more afraid then you are, of being with you again and the reason I won’t leave you alone is my way of guaranteeing you won’t comeback.

Because part of me knows, you’re just as addicted as I am, although you never answer with my constant nudging you feel my presence and you get your fix and with my constant nudging I know you won’t look for me and I get my fix.

What if I stopped, pushing you away and just vanished as I usually do, I’m almost certain you would comeback and I just can’t.

So if keep calling, you stay away, or once and for all you give me direct closure and close the window.

truth is, I’m more afraid of us than you….

The reason why? I don’t want to be loved. I don’t deserve it.

 

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