I know I am twenty three and I am way too young to alienate myself like I am doing here….
But the thing is I feel as I made so many mistakes, a lot of mistakes most of them I can’t I can’t fix. Maybe my biggest fear is repeating them, maybe my biggest fear is waking up hungover and throwing up my brains out and spending a day in bed.
A day of my life.
Most importantly is waking up and feeling like death and having no one to help me or take care of me. I’m tired of being left for dead.
Everything is intense with me, love, sex, parties… I feel like I’ll never be able to control it so I just chose to do away with it.
I admit it’s very unhealthy to alienate myself like this, but I don’t know any other way to keep myself from cheap thrills vises and all the other worldly highs life has to offer.
All of it seemed fun and harmless when I was young, but then I learned how quickly you can become a part of it and lost to it, the easiness of it all. Nothing meaning anything and everything feeling great.
It’s like being in a trance. However the bliss is so real in the moment, but I kept on waking up every morning and thinking about a life that only existed at night. For a while that did it, that was enough, more than enough it was everything.
Until it wasn’t…
I started mixing night with day, and I had a good and stable day life.
However, I didn’t realize that until I lost it… Until I could no longer be responsible throughout the day and reckless throughout the night and repeat.
I had almost everything but I felt as if I had nothing, and took me having lost all those things to realize, crap uhh “I fucked up.”
Somehow I got PTSD from the party life, seeing how quickly it can destroy you in a matter of what it feels like seconds and then escaping and snapping back to yourself while realizing that you “friends” “companions” are stuck in that trance for life.
No matter how much you try to shake them out of it. Night life becomes like a cult, a cult where you are trapped and don’t realize you are trapped. Where you waste energy money and time and you don’t even realize it.
You think people like you for you, but they either want to undress you or take something from you.
Im sure its unhealthy to think like this, but when if you fell as deep as I did. You would realize just one night back scares the shit out of me, the lights, the euphoria, the sounds.
It’s not that I hate it, it’s that I might love it too much and not be able to escape.