Right now i am sitting in my bed room, and i am struggling to breathe… The reason being i am terrified.
I haven’t written in weeks, but right now it’s the only thing that can put me at ease.
You see i have a lot of feelings and words in my heart right now and it’s overwhelming me. I managed to pretend i have none like everyone for the past two months.
I put aside my journal and drawing pencils and replaced them with make up and work. Exhausting myself the first half of the week so i can just get home and pass out and the other half of the week get dressed up and go out.
It’s what everyone does right? It’s having my shit together. Whenever i draw and i write feelings just seep out of me and they’re scary.
especially “love”, the scariest of them all.
i fell in love for a second time, and i’m terrified, because it’s a feeling that is dying to burst out of me like i want to scream it from the top of my lungs.
but i can’t… i have to keep calm and pretend like it’s barely there.
i’m going crazy, like actually crazy.
because before i didn’t know, but now i know for certain i’m not alone in this…
I know the person loves me too he said it when he was drunk, and he showed it to me in the morning by holding my hand and tenderly kissing my forehead, while he was sober.
Still i can’t say it, because he will disappear, right now he’s just running away… i rather him run but still be close enough for me to see him.
Then completely disappear, because as he runs i can still admire him despite me not having him.
As i admire him, i can be motivated to be just as strong fast and independent as him, eventually catch up to him.
If he disappears completely then there is no motivation, inspiration to what kind of person i want to be.
when i met him he wasn’t very ambitious, he looked a little lost. then i talked to him about dreams and endless possibilities he has left me for them since then… or so it goes.
my theory is he doesn’t believe he can have both. A partner who truly loves him and ultimate success. that’s why he walked away from me even though he can’t hear the sound of my voice or look at my face without instantly feeling regret for pushing me away.
he rather tunnel vision his ambitions because, thats a guaranteed win he’ll definitely be successful if he works hard.
as with me even though i love him now and he loves me now, it’s a gamble, even if we work hard there is still a possibility that it may amount to nothing.
it’s not guaranteed formula you can put time + energy + care + emotion and still get nothing.
it’s illogical, irrational, and absurd.
But so was going to the moon, electricity, computers, medicine and democracy at some point.
Yet here we are.
Although it’s safe to work towards something thats guaranteed, sometimes the best things are when you work towards something that is uncertain and just believe that it’s so crazy it might work.
Maybe it’s when you’re about to give up and then just cause, you say fuck it and try one more time and make the best decision of your life.
The difference between, happy couples, billionaires, celebrities and everyday people.
Is not talent, luck, love, and popularity.
it’s that they didn’t give up. they didn’t play it safe even though love, life, people, luck, whatever fucked them over, they kept insisting until one day it worked, when most people already gave up.
so i’m sitting in bed right now, and i’m terrified of this love even though i know it’s mutual….
terrified he might not be as crazy and believe like me, terrified it’s not what i think it is, terrified one day it might end, terrified if i tell him he will behave like the last one
(even though they are totally different just the feeling is familiar)
so yeah i’m terrified i feel like i’m losing my mind.
I could play it safe, keep it to myself, put my pen down make up on and focus on things that are certain like work & going out, like i have been, for the past two months.
Filling up my schedule and making so much money to the point i don’t know how to feel anymore.
Kissing random strangers, and going out on dinners, with no fear knowing they will never compare to him, so i’ll be safe if it doesn’t work out my heart it won’t even break.
and still be able to admire him, even though he’s far away but still have him in my sky from time to time.
i could copy this link and press “send” and hope for the best and that he will read it and won’t disappear and live the ultimate movie adventure.
if i press “send” however, he might never read this and i might never see him again because he will choose safety over fear and call me batshit crazy for speaking such things.
I might never see him again lose a special person for a long time if not forever.
So i think i might just play it safe, like everyone else, keep quiet smile and hope i can catch up to him or he’ll stop running someday….