A couple of seasons has passed since I saw you in person last. I hear about you here and there but never really have any direct contact anymore. Yet here you are… in my mind. Maybe the reason for this is because, I left a lot of things unsaid and I said a lot of things I can’t take back, but i wish i could…
I don’t know maybe in another universe you will stumble upon this letter, or maybe it will make your resent me even more. But i’m not going to lie you been inspiration for a lot of my posts. This one however is directed right at you… no shade this time, no subliminal “I miss you” and “I fucked up” i think you got it by now. By the books i wrote to you and you ignored, the hidden messages in some of my poems. You got it. Maybe it even made you smile a little bit on how sad i am without my other half and you probably thought “i told you so”.
if i still know you like i did back then you definitely thought “i told you so” but that doesn’t make me upset because that’s what makes you, you and during our time together i learned to love all sides of you which is why I am writing this letter to you. Cause if we ever were to speak again it would probably go something like this…
The craziest thing happened today… haha. I was so stressed with homework cause i’m taking five classes now and I decided to smoke a cigaret like i did when life got very overwhelming and we would always share a pack and think the same thing “fuck our lives” take a little drag and laugh. But except this time i actually got caught, probably wasn’t the best idea to smoke in my room but i just thought back to the days we would smoke in your apartment and thought “fuck it” it should be fine. nope it wasn’t. i thought you might find that funny lol. Cause you know how i always try to be perfect for my parents, and everyone but with you, you saw my imperfections and you like them hence the reason i decided to write to you.
idk why but i think you would be the only friend that got the humor in this. I saw you made new friends, and i hear life is pretty good for you… which makes me happy. I feel like we are riding the same wave of peace now. I made new friends as well and for the most part there isn’t any drama… which is good. I still feel an incredible amount of guilt and heartache on how we broke off, it was fucked up and i wish i wasn’t so intoxicated, i honestly wish i can take it back.
After i did that last favor for you over the phone in hopes of rekindling something i actually went to the bathroom and threw up. Because that’s how much i didn’t want to make that phone call you asked for… If i could erase from existence any person in the world it would be that person.As time passed by, i replayed over and over everything… and i realized i lied so much, but not to hurt anyone, to protect everyone. I lied so much that i literally destroyed people’s perception of me to protect…
To be honest i wish i didn’t i wish i was so more selfish, i wish i spoke up and confronted you and told you what really happened. The truth is i lied to myself so much i didn’t realize what really happened until i had no other choice to accept the truth.Now that i have though… I feel a little bit better and a little bit shittier at the same time haha. But I have made peace with myself.
But enough about that!!!! This isn’t all that i wanted to talk to you about it’s been such a long time!!!! So I am planning to move to cali after i graduate and if we were still friends i would probably take you with me. I also am investing in myself! I remember that day we were drinking wine and watching people walk by and you said how i should become a writer cause you said i write well.I was so surprised because i honestly didn’t think you read the stuff i wrote, i thought you just turned it in. That time i didn’t believe in myself and i just thought you were saying things to be nice, like you sometimes did.
When i started believing in myself i remembered that moment you being one of the first people to push me. Back then i wasn’t ready I was still so childish, still am but less. When i look back to our past selves from the moment we met we were still babies at least I was for sure.Like back then I did not understand why you were so hurt and angry at me when you told me the story about “how you confronted the guy who fucked me up and told him to go away, on a certain day” and i remember getting so angry at you because i wanted to see him i completely ignored how you were protecting me.
It’s different now i promise…. A similar situation sort of happened when my new friends confronted my crush without asking me just because i said i was angry and was on my way to speak with him myself. Yeah lol, they completely fucked that up for me and made something fixable unfixable since he’s just someone i like nothing more they had no right to go up to him like that, just cause.But this time i learned my lesson, i didn’t flip out at them, i thanked them and took a deep breathe thought about the right words on telling them how they kind of messed up so they never do that again, and let it go and focused on their love for me.
I miss our talks, you saying stories your grandma told you, watching carrie diaries, making food, ordering food, and drinking cheap wine. Always was more fun then going out and getting drunk, Not that i am ungrateful for my friends now, they are so amazing and kind and we laugh a lot, have each others backs and don’t talk shit… unless its about fuckboys lol. Yet still their not you.You were like that boyfriend who we grew up together (although we didnt grow up together) got older and started dating. and cause we known each other forever (felt like forever) we had this bond where we just got each other.
we didn’t have to explain ourselves to each other. We didn’t hurt each others feelings (for the most part) when we got into arguments, we always knew it came from a good place. You didn’t have to be nice for me to love you, and neither did I. It worked. We were both sensitive but at the same time strong. And understood words said in the moment of anger and sadness were just words. We sang duets at the top of our lungs. Now i mostly sing alone, You were the ultimate singing partner. Anyways this is getting too long…. If you made it this far. If you read this at all. I fucking miss you, every part of you the angry, bitchy, happy, sad, spoiled, kind, etc you. I know you will never take me back and i’m fine with that now.
I really hope though you find another me for you the girl who knows you are about freak out when your one dimple starts to show (maybe a smarter and more mature me) but i hope you find her and you never let her go again. Just like i hope to find someone just like you, that i could see being in my life forever, who i don’t need to explain myself too. Who knows when to back off when my blinks take way too long. …
Your forgotten ex-bestfriend