Right now at this very moment, i am overwhelmed. Seems like my default feeling now a days. Every aspect of my life is demanding a piece of me, there only is one of me to go around.
Ironically enough my first instinct is to crawl into my bed and pray my problems somehow resolve themselves. They won’t however, they won’t, sadly…. if only.
Everyday of this week feels like a Monday. Maybe it’s the rain killing my vibe. I’m not the only one feeling like this though… I’m sure there is a lot of people in similar situations. Even though everyone does an incredibly good job acting like they have their shit together.
So i carry on, drink two cups of coffee, as i try to figure out, how i will get school work, work work, internship done, still maintain a social life and have fun.
While this madness is going through my head, i see someone smoking. I pause…. Suddenly go into profound thought mesmerized by the smoke.
I don’t like smoking, but i love the way it flows out of me, it’s like i breathe it in burning all the negative inside me and when i open my mouth all the bad, poison and sadness flows out slowly, I see it, fly away.
I sound like an addict, but i gave it up years ago just like drinking every-time i got overwhelmed.
doesn’t mean i don’t miss it though.
Literally had to fight the urge to fill a water bottle with alcohol and bring it to school just to get through the day like freshman year. If it wasn’t for my father being home today, i probably would have brought that “water” bottle with me.
I used to give in to temptation more easily, but lately reason has been winning the battle, as i avoid social scenes and stay home and watch a movie.
I suppose i no longer need that fix, whether it is in a shape of an alcohol, smoke or toxic relationship out of fear of loneliness.
These days i enjoy sleeping and waking up sober, instead of smoking sleeping away the pain and being alone than sharing my bed with someone who makes me feel like shit for every breath i take.
I suppose some where in the midst of the tears, vomit and haze, i realized things aren’t supposed to be this way. If i drink, i drink for fun, if seek someone’s company it’s because i enjoy it and if i smoke it’s for the beauty of it. No longer to kill myself calling it pleasure.
As the smoke faded away, i snapped out of it and carried on my way. Met up with friends laughed and got through yet another rainy day.