Keep the light on…

“Whats your greatest fear?”

“Someone actually loving me….”

Most people have fear of loving someone and not being loved in return. My fear however is someone loving me, completely, entirely and making sacrifices for me.

22 years gone by and i’d never truly felt that, although i’m an expert at loving undeserving people and dying for everyone.

The idea of being loved by someone, is like being in the dark… I don’t know why and there isn’t probably any real danger but I have to keep a light on…. or else i’m terrified.

I find myself every time i get close or start becoming fond of someone, this undying urge to scare them away, to show them everything that is wrong with me at all times, and make it impossible for them to become fond of me.

Convince them it’s for their own sake… When i’m successful in my scare tactic which I always am.  I fulfill my self fulfilling prophecy of being “unlovable” and convince my self all i have to offer is a pretty exterior.

Knowing this is completely irrational and i hurt myself more each time i push another opportunity at happiness and ending loneliness I still continue, to leave the light on even though i would rest better in the dark….